From my perspective

I don't have any news to share.  I have many emotions and thoughts.  I don't know if I want to go into this week.  I have a radiation appointment tomorrow.  I guess it is just a talking appointment, so, whatever.  On Wednesday, we have a visit with the oncologist.  He is going to inform me if I am at a high or low risk on metastasis.  If I am a high risk, I have the privilege of undergoing chemotherapy.  I don't want to.  But I will because I want to kick this thing. My first appointment will be with a hair stylist to purchase a wig in case I lose my hair. If I am a low risk, I am going to book my buying trip to Vegas in January and possibly a vacation for Bernie and I for when the radiation treatments are over.  I would probably just not go to the oncologist appointment if I didn't have the potential to plan a vacation! Truth be told, I am planning on the chemo route.  I figure that if I am mentally prepared for that news, I will...

I had my follow up surgeon appointment on Monday.  Dr. Morgan said that I am healing normally.  I am to go back to work on Friday.  He is a good guy and I like him.  I hope we don't have to do any more business with him this year.  It is our 3rd procedure this year with him.  Bernie had a double hernia surgery in February.  I had an upper GI and a colonoscopy in August and now this lumpectomy in October.  It is a good thing we like him as a person. Today I had my first oncologist appointment, Dr. Wehbe.  He, too, is very nice.  He talks super fast.  I can track with him, but not if I am trying to write notes.  He said my cancer is hormone based.  Apparently that is about 50% of the breast cancers.  He said this kind of cancer feeds on estrogen.  So I will have to take hormone pills for 10 years at least.  These pills cause hot flashes and weight gain.  I dislike both of these things! He is sending t...

I am one week off of my lumpectomy surgery.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions and processing.  Basically, I feel pretty good as far as physical healing goes (although, today I am feeling it more than usual.  Who me?  Over-do? NAH!)  But mentally, the word cancer can kick my butt.  I don't want it to, but it sneaks in when I am not paying attention and steals my confidence. So a few days ago, I found myself too deep in thoughts.  I woke up at 2 am and decided to plan my funeral.  Yep, it'll be a good one.  You won't want to miss my last party.  UNBELIEVABLE!  I don't typically think about dying, mostly, I think about the next fun thing to do.  I am an Eennagram #7 and we like to have a good time.  Not morbid thoughts of our own mortality.  I have my reasons why my mind went there, but I think it is mainly because I have too much time to think.  I need to plan something or be productive.  The next ...

On Thursday morning I had to be at the hospital at 6:45 for my first of three procedures.  The surgeon injected dye into my right breast for the lymph nodes to "light up".  This was the most painful for me.  I think that as I lay on that little skinny table in that cold room, I felt alone and vulnerable.  All my faculties shut down and I broke down into a puddle of tears.  I was inconsolable.  Even writing it now makes me want to cry.  I think I realized all the things that were happening and I was no longer strong.  I relate to the Twila Paris song, "The Warrior is a Child"   I felt small, fragile, and weak.  The poor surgeon had nothing for me except, "I'm sorry, Darling".  That made me cry more.  They brought me back to my Knight, Bernie, and he had to try to console me.  Pretty soon they came with "Tylenol" to help my nerves. The next procedure was to insert wires to guide the surgeon to the tumor.  The...

I got my schedule for Thursday.  I have to be there at 7:15 for some preliminary procedures and the surgery is at 10 am. How am I doing, you ask?  I have so friggin much to do to be off work for 1 to 2 weeks that I don't have time to think about it.  All day I have people who want to see me and talk and know that I am okay that my work doesn't get done.  I love that people love me and it is so humbling that I have no idea how to process. I realized today that I basically forgot to eat.  This is a new thing.  And when I went to the doctor the other day, my blood pressure was really high.  So I think I am doing okay, but I think I am internalizing all of it.  It is okay because if I lose a few LBS, I wouldn't be sad.  Get your mammograms, ladies!  If I had chosen to delay or skip my mammo, I would have a much bigger problem on my hands.  I get to be the poster child for regular check-ups.  I think I need a tiara.