From my perspective

I am sitting here on the eve of 2020 celebrating the end of radiation treatments.  I had 21 treatments in Des Moines, 13 drivers, great conversations, and minimal side effects.  My nurse, Julie, blessed me with a dragonfly that Tricia Van Zee made.  I have made these to bless others, but I have never been the recipient of one.  That made me cry.  They presented me with a certificate of completion, more tears.  I met with Dr. Sheybani, her encouragement and accolades made me bawl like a child.  She had to give me the Kleenex box.  My husband and kids all came to witness the event and that was a blessing.  The tradition when finishing treatment is to ring the bell.  The bell has a placard that says: "Ring the bell three times well It's toll to clearly Say My treatments Done This course is run And I am on my way." So I rang the bell and I lost it.  I still tear up to think about it.  It is a symbol of the finish line...

On Friday, I did treatment number 14 of 21.  This journey of treatments has been pretty uneventful, thankfully.  Every day at 9:00 am I have to be in DesMoines at John Stoddard Cancer Center to receive radiation.  I have made it a bit less generic by providing my own "frock" instead of the UGLY hospital gowns that they provide.  They are heinous!  I also wear my own slippers because my first treatment I wore my shoes and regretted it immensely.  I understand that each treatment is pretty broad covering my entire right breast.  Starting on Tuesday, the treatment will be more narrow focused on the actual spot where the cancer was removed. The doctor continually asks me if I have burns or if I am tired.  I am a bit pink in the radiation area, but it isn't painful, maybe a bit itchy, but not intolerable.  The first day the process was long and not fun.  I had to lay perfectly still "from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, DON'T MOVE...

I got the phone call today that I need to be in Des Moines tomorrow at noon for my first radiation treatment, then everyday, five days a week for 21 treatments.  I am glad to be moving forward. I have worked hard to be ready to do this.  I got my Christmas decorations up, my gifts purchased, wrapped and under the tree, the promotions ready for the store, cards ready to go out, and menu for our Christmas planned.  We have a few programs and parties, but for the most part, I plan on watching Christmas movies and getting some brisk winter walks in. There have been some conversations recently with others who have either come through the cancer journey or that have advanced stages and in the fight.  I am humbled to have these opportunities and to have somehow earned the right to enter into these conversations.  There is much pain in these stories, but it seems like every story comes back to the people who had walked or are walking with them in the hard stuff....

It has been quite a bumpy journey this month.  My sister and I had the craft show at the beginning of the month where we sold baked goods.  We have done this annually for many years.  Our specialities are Dutch Letters and Pig-in-the-blankets.  It was a good show and we were very satisfied with the sales.  It is a ton of work, but since we have done it so many times, we have it down to a science.  But after that weekend I was experiencing some pain in my right breast.  It was like a stabbing pain that would make me catch my breath and audibly say "OUCH!"  A few deep breaths and some Aleve and I would go on. I had a follow up surgeon appointment on Monday, so I told him about it  He decided to drain it and put me on anitbiotics.  It felt better to have it drained, not so much pressure.  I found out later that they had cultured it and it was infected. My next appointment was on Wednesday to the Radiation Education and Simulation a...

So the long and short of this week is that I do not have to have chemo treatments.  My biopsy showed that I am a low risk of recurrence so radiation for four weeks will be enough.  And I will be done with all of it by Christmas. I googled Oncotype to try to understand the test that I was waiting for the results of.  Apparently, they determine the chance of cancer recurrence and the ability for chemo to lessen the chances.  The biopsies are on a scale of 1 to 100.  If the score is 24 or less, then chemo is basically ineffective and the chance of recurrence is low.  Seriously, I have a 75% chance of needing chemo.  This was a sock in my gut. This week started by going to church and hearing a sermon that challenged us to think about what if Jesus is coming back next year.  How would life be different?  Not pay bills?  Not worry about losing weight?  Not worry about anything because the end is near?  But, the reality, the urge...

I don't have any news to share.  I have many emotions and thoughts.  I don't know if I want to go into this week.  I have a radiation appointment tomorrow.  I guess it is just a talking appointment, so, whatever.  On Wednesday, we have a visit with the oncologist.  He is going to inform me if I am at a high or low risk on metastasis.  If I am a high risk, I have the privilege of undergoing chemotherapy.  I don't want to.  But I will because I want to kick this thing. My first appointment will be with a hair stylist to purchase a wig in case I lose my hair. If I am a low risk, I am going to book my buying trip to Vegas in January and possibly a vacation for Bernie and I for when the radiation treatments are over.  I would probably just not go to the oncologist appointment if I didn't have the potential to plan a vacation! Truth be told, I am planning on the chemo route.  I figure that if I am mentally prepared for that news, I will...

I had my follow up surgeon appointment on Monday.  Dr. Morgan said that I am healing normally.  I am to go back to work on Friday.  He is a good guy and I like him.  I hope we don't have to do any more business with him this year.  It is our 3rd procedure this year with him.  Bernie had a double hernia surgery in February.  I had an upper GI and a colonoscopy in August and now this lumpectomy in October.  It is a good thing we like him as a person. Today I had my first oncologist appointment, Dr. Wehbe.  He, too, is very nice.  He talks super fast.  I can track with him, but not if I am trying to write notes.  He said my cancer is hormone based.  Apparently that is about 50% of the breast cancers.  He said this kind of cancer feeds on estrogen.  So I will have to take hormone pills for 10 years at least.  These pills cause hot flashes and weight gain.  I dislike both of these things! He is sending t...

I am one week off of my lumpectomy surgery.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions and processing.  Basically, I feel pretty good as far as physical healing goes (although, today I am feeling it more than usual.  Who me?  Over-do? NAH!)  But mentally, the word cancer can kick my butt.  I don't want it to, but it sneaks in when I am not paying attention and steals my confidence. So a few days ago, I found myself too deep in thoughts.  I woke up at 2 am and decided to plan my funeral.  Yep, it'll be a good one.  You won't want to miss my last party.  UNBELIEVABLE!  I don't typically think about dying, mostly, I think about the next fun thing to do.  I am an Eennagram #7 and we like to have a good time.  Not morbid thoughts of our own mortality.  I have my reasons why my mind went there, but I think it is mainly because I have too much time to think.  I need to plan something or be productive.  The next ...

On Thursday morning I had to be at the hospital at 6:45 for my first of three procedures.  The surgeon injected dye into my right breast for the lymph nodes to "light up".  This was the most painful for me.  I think that as I lay on that little skinny table in that cold room, I felt alone and vulnerable.  All my faculties shut down and I broke down into a puddle of tears.  I was inconsolable.  Even writing it now makes me want to cry.  I think I realized all the things that were happening and I was no longer strong.  I relate to the Twila Paris song, "The Warrior is a Child"   I felt small, fragile, and weak.  The poor surgeon had nothing for me except, "I'm sorry, Darling".  That made me cry more.  They brought me back to my Knight, Bernie, and he had to try to console me.  Pretty soon they came with "Tylenol" to help my nerves. The next procedure was to insert wires to guide the surgeon to the tumor.  The...

I got my schedule for Thursday.  I have to be there at 7:15 for some preliminary procedures and the surgery is at 10 am. How am I doing, you ask?  I have so friggin much to do to be off work for 1 to 2 weeks that I don't have time to think about it.  All day I have people who want to see me and talk and know that I am okay that my work doesn't get done.  I love that people love me and it is so humbling that I have no idea how to process. I realized today that I basically forgot to eat.  This is a new thing.  And when I went to the doctor the other day, my blood pressure was really high.  So I think I am doing okay, but I think I am internalizing all of it.  It is okay because if I lose a few LBS, I wouldn't be sad.  Get your mammograms, ladies!  If I had chosen to delay or skip my mammo, I would have a much bigger problem on my hands.  I get to be the poster child for regular check-ups.  I think I need a tiara.

We had our surgeon appointment today.   He told us that I have a very treatable/curable cancer.   On Thursday, no time scheduled yet, I will have surgery.   They will take the cancer spot and the area around it and some lymph nodes from under my arm to verify that the cancer is not there.   We chose the lumpectomy with radiation over the mastectomy because I didn’t want to be that radical and because I have no breast cancer in my family.   I will have to take a week off work for recovery.   Then, in two weeks, we meet with him again and then we will schedule an appointment with the oncologist and then find out the treatment plan. I am feeling optimistic, but tired.  My blood pressure was crazy high at the appointment today, and my shoulders are tense.  I have much to get ready to be off work for recovery.  So this week will be a blur.  

On Monday, September 16 I had my annual mammogram.  I do these pretty religiously because my doctor is always reminding me of the importance of them and my insurance pays for them, so I go and let them squeeze my breasts.  I am the queen of small talk during these procedures so that I don't pay any attention to what is actually happening. Big check mark!  I had my colonoscopy and upper GI earlier this month.  I was more concerned about that procedure because my dad had esophageal cancer and this always concerns me.  But everything came back fine and I was relieved.  We also had blood work done because it is encouraged by my insurance.  They accomplish this by giving a $20 discount per pay period on my insurance if we let them look at our blood.  So I did my dues and checked off all the requirements from my doctor and insurance.  Resume life, I thought. On Tuesday, September 17, I got a phone call from my friend who did my mammogram that I n...