Kicking this year to the curb!

I am sitting here on the eve of 2020 celebrating the end of radiation treatments.  I had 21 treatments in Des Moines, 13 drivers, great conversations, and minimal side effects.  My nurse, Julie, blessed me with a dragonfly that Tricia Van Zee made.  I have made these to bless others, but I have never been the recipient of one.  That made me cry.  They presented me with a certificate of completion, more tears.  I met with Dr. Sheybani, her encouragement and accolades made me bawl like a child.  She had to give me the Kleenex box.  My husband and kids all came to witness the event and that was a blessing.  The tradition when finishing treatment is to ring the bell.  The bell has a placard that says:

"Ring the bell

three times well

It's toll to clearly Say

My treatments Done

This course is run

And I am on my way."

So I rang the bell and I lost it.  I still tear up to think about it.  It is a symbol of the finish line.  I can't even describe the overwhelming feeling.  It is relief, accomplishment, humility, blessing, and tired all rolled into a ball and releasing itself by way of blubbering.  So very hard to be pretty or cute in this state of emotion.  

Some things I learned on this journey thus far are that I am so very loved and cared for.  My husband treasures me and our relationship (I already knew this, but he continues to amaze me).  He laughs with me and cries with me.  He encourages me to exercise and sends me to bed when it has been too much. My family and friends know how to love me well.  I also learned that loving and being loved are a luxury that I too often take for granted.  Many people come and go to radiation alone.  Community is a commodity that is sweet and necessary to get through the tough times.

I learned that the courses of treatment are almost as varied as the types of cancer.  I never met anyone who had to do 21 radiation treatments.  My doctor assured me that my course of treatment is the most common.  So I must have been communicating with the oddballs....

I had the opportunity to meet and converse with many people who have been touched personally by cancer.  I wish I could have sat and had coffee with each one to hear their story and what they fear and what they feel about their diagnosis.  I met a sweet lady who experienced her lung tumor shrink from a golf ball to a pencil eraser size.  I got to meet her the day before Thanksgiving on my first day when she told me that she only had six months to live without treatment.  Yesterday she shared that the week of Christmas the doctor showed her the change in the tumor.  Her disposition was like night and day.  She has hope for a future and that was sweet to see.  So many stories.  

There are still moments that I sit and say "What the heck was that?"  I know that I will never be the same.  The last few months have made me wonder what is next for me.  There is something that needs to be seen that God is trying to show me.  I hope that I will be willing to step into whatever that next thing is.  I am debating starting to create a safe place for women who are dealing with or have dealt with cancer.  People need more than to be listened to, they need to be heard.  I know this journey is hard because it is so lonely.  No one can do the journey in your place.  They can come alongside, but it has to be processed and done by no one but the person with the diagnosis.

So, here we go into 2020.   A new year, a new decade, and new opportunities.  I look forward as I look backwards knowing that the future is fragile and I hold it loosely.  I trust that good things are in store for me.  I love my people and know I am extremely blessed.