Keep looking forward
I am one week off of my lumpectomy surgery. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and processing. Basically, I feel pretty good as far as physical healing goes (although, today I am feeling it more than usual. Who me? Over-do? NAH!) But mentally, the word cancer can kick my butt. I don't want it to, but it sneaks in when I am not paying attention and steals my confidence.
So a few days ago, I found myself too deep in thoughts. I woke up at 2 am and decided to plan my funeral. Yep, it'll be a good one. You won't want to miss my last party. UNBELIEVABLE! I don't typically think about dying, mostly, I think about the next fun thing to do. I am an Eennagram #7 and we like to have a good time. Not morbid thoughts of our own mortality. I have my reasons why my mind went there, but I think it is mainly because I have too much time to think. I need to plan something or be productive.
The next day, I got a text from a colleague who is president of a board that I respect. She contacted me to see if I would consider serving on this board. I had already informed her that life had thrown a curve ball and I am not sure what I am going to be doing or not doing. She sidestepped that by telling me that they have an interim in place that will serve as long as I need to be able to heal. God is so funny in that He had me go from writing my obituary to writing a bio to serve on this board. I am honored to be asked and that they would make concessions for me to be able to do this is very humbling.
Also, on Monday, I called the surgeon's office to see when I would get the results for the tumor biopsy. The nurse informed me that they just got the results and everything looked favorable, clear margins, negative results, etc. My primary doctor had told me to pray for negative results and that the tumor is less than one centimeter. So I asked, "What size is the tumor?" She said matter-of-factly, "It says it is 1.6 centimeters." I was crushed. She could tell immediately that my demeanor had changed. She said, "This is a good report, Rosa. The size is not unusual. Don't be discouraged." From God's lips to my ears. But I think, even in the Bible when people were told to not be discouraged, they probably still were.
So now I am waiting for my follow up surgeon appointment, then I will have an oncologist appointment for my course of treatment. I don't know if that size to going to kick my treatment up a notch or not. But for today, I need to sit with the ice under my arm from lifting something too heavy yesterday and resting from going from 200 steps a day to 7500 steps yesterday. I am kind of an all or nothing girl. I need to figure this out.
So a few days ago, I found myself too deep in thoughts. I woke up at 2 am and decided to plan my funeral. Yep, it'll be a good one. You won't want to miss my last party. UNBELIEVABLE! I don't typically think about dying, mostly, I think about the next fun thing to do. I am an Eennagram #7 and we like to have a good time. Not morbid thoughts of our own mortality. I have my reasons why my mind went there, but I think it is mainly because I have too much time to think. I need to plan something or be productive.
The next day, I got a text from a colleague who is president of a board that I respect. She contacted me to see if I would consider serving on this board. I had already informed her that life had thrown a curve ball and I am not sure what I am going to be doing or not doing. She sidestepped that by telling me that they have an interim in place that will serve as long as I need to be able to heal. God is so funny in that He had me go from writing my obituary to writing a bio to serve on this board. I am honored to be asked and that they would make concessions for me to be able to do this is very humbling.
Also, on Monday, I called the surgeon's office to see when I would get the results for the tumor biopsy. The nurse informed me that they just got the results and everything looked favorable, clear margins, negative results, etc. My primary doctor had told me to pray for negative results and that the tumor is less than one centimeter. So I asked, "What size is the tumor?" She said matter-of-factly, "It says it is 1.6 centimeters." I was crushed. She could tell immediately that my demeanor had changed. She said, "This is a good report, Rosa. The size is not unusual. Don't be discouraged." From God's lips to my ears. But I think, even in the Bible when people were told to not be discouraged, they probably still were.
So now I am waiting for my follow up surgeon appointment, then I will have an oncologist appointment for my course of treatment. I don't know if that size to going to kick my treatment up a notch or not. But for today, I need to sit with the ice under my arm from lifting something too heavy yesterday and resting from going from 200 steps a day to 7500 steps yesterday. I am kind of an all or nothing girl. I need to figure this out.
You have been in my prayers sister! Thank you for sharing your truth in the midst of this battle. You are a warrior!
ReplyDeleteThank-you! I appreciate you!
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